things left unsaid

i could've loved you but instead i tried to
save you and you
didn't want to be saved you wanted to
fill the void she left

i still think of you in the quiet of 3 AM
when i could always count on you to be awake and
in hazy gray days when your arms were my home

i hope you can forgive me for trying
to make you stay but
for the first time after him
i felt like i could be happy again

i wish time had been on our side
if i had another chance
i wouldn't try to change you

for future reference

don't fall in love with your version of him
because he won't just wake up and become that person
he'll hurt you and let you down before you realize

you were making plans with someone who doesn't even exist

4 AM

do you think he remembers you begging
anything but that
anyone but her
if you don't want to hurt me

does he know what he's done
made you cry at 4 AM
because he's with her after all
your begging after all his promising
after "don't forget me"

don't believe him

if he has to convince you
he's really convincing himself

there's no escaping you

i thought i could escape you if
i crossed a literal ocean but
the heart does not consider distance the same way the body does

our time has passed

i think i might've loved you if
you gave me the chance

now we'll never
know
only wonder what if
you had

masochist

i have let you
seduce
  me
reduce
  me
to a shell of a girl

love me harder
make me numb to
 the pain
inflicted with every touch of your hand

there is nothing left of
 me
but your handprints on my back and your lips on my neck
traces of encounters that have come to define me
to rob me of my sense of self
slowly melting into how you want me,
when you want me

this is not love but
masochism --
aching for your affection that
becomes my pain