So often I find myself asking people the questions "how are you?" and "what's new?" without really expecting any sort of answer beyond "good" or "you know, the usual." With the prevalence of social media, I usually have a pretty clear idea of where my friends are, what they're up to, and so on, but rarely do I ever ask "how are you?" and expect an honest evaluation of that person's feelings. Maybe I should chalk this up to the fact that I tend to see people only in passing, or we're not in a setting for a truly emotional conversation, but I still wonder if maybe I need to increase my vigilance of "checking in."
In an age where virtually everyone broadcasts daily life via social media, it can be very easy for us to assume that a person is genuinely happy based on their posts. On the other hand, we can also determine when a person is truly unhappy or going through a difficult time. Regardless of the situation, as good friends, we must be diligent in connecting with our friends. A simple "how are you" text with an honest answer could go a long way. Healthy relationships (of any kind !) require open, honest dialogues and lines of communication.
Inspired by a recent training regarding the prevention of abusive relationships I received as a Relationship Peer Educator, I made a specific point at dinner tonight of asking each friend how they were doing and how their relationships with their boyfriends were going. We can tend to get caught up in our day-to-day dramas of who randomly texted us or what ridiculous thing that girl we sit next to in class did, but what resulted from my direct and engaged questioning was a very productive conversation. In reflecting on the conversation, I realized that I did not often have a space to voice my real concerns about relationships. I usually have some complaint about or need to analyze a message from some boy on a daily basis, but I do not often get to express my concerns about my behaviors in past relationships and my struggles with being (constructively) confrontational with friends. It can be very difficult to voice concerns or worries or imperfections in our lives when we constantly work to project a certain image via social media, but working on expressing your real feelings among trusted friends is important for personal and emotional growth.
I cannot stress enough the importance of creating a safe space for a genuine conversation about where you are at -- whether it be physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. To be a good partner or friend, you have to be engaged in the lives of others in a meaningful way, beyond the day-to-day, simply in passing or routinized "how are you." When you care about someone, inquiring about his or her well-being is a simple, but incredibly effective way to stay present in a relationship. Take the time to check in on your friends, and you may be surprised when you open up the space for real dialogue. You never know how much of an impact you may be making by checking in, but you truly could make all the difference to a friend.
