masochist

i have let you
seduce
  me
reduce
  me
to a shell of a girl

love me harder
make me numb to
 the pain
inflicted with every touch of your hand

there is nothing left of
 me
but your handprints on my back and your lips on my neck
traces of encounters that have come to define me
to rob me of my sense of self
slowly melting into how you want me,
when you want me

this is not love but
masochism --
aching for your affection that
becomes my pain

the things people tell me

"you deserve better"
but you don't want better
you want
him.

yet wanting is not
having and
better means loneliness.

try to confront reality
and neither of us can
say the words -- "it's over"
when we know it isn't
yet it has to be.

"the right choice is not always the easy one"
but we could be so simple
seamlessly falling together
heartbeats in rhythm.

yet we don't --
we fight and
we're too different
unclear expectations.

unwilling to admit that maybe
he can't be the right person for me
no matter how much
I wish he was.

"maybe you just need space to figure out what you both want"
but space means time
and time means moving on and
moving on means forgetting.

today I am here but tomorrow
I will start to fade until I
am completely obliterated from all memory.

---------------------------------------------------

the things people tell me to take away
the pain of choosing --
to say goodbye
to close a door that is not ready to close but
probably should
to move on.