things left unsaid

i could've loved you but instead i tried to
save you and you
didn't want to be saved you wanted to
fill the void she left

i still think of you in the quiet of 3 AM
when i could always count on you to be awake and
in hazy gray days when your arms were my home

i hope you can forgive me for trying
to make you stay but
for the first time after him
i felt like i could be happy again

i wish time had been on our side
if i had another chance
i wouldn't try to change you

for future reference

don't fall in love with your version of him
because he won't just wake up and become that person
he'll hurt you and let you down before you realize

you were making plans with someone who doesn't even exist

4 AM

do you think he remembers you begging
anything but that
anyone but her
if you don't want to hurt me

does he know what he's done
made you cry at 4 AM
because he's with her after all
your begging after all his promising
after "don't forget me"

don't believe him

if he has to convince you
he's really convincing himself

there's no escaping you

i thought i could escape you if
i crossed a literal ocean but
the heart does not consider distance the same way the body does

our time has passed

i think i might've loved you if
you gave me the chance

now we'll never
know
only wonder what if
you had

masochist

i have let you
seduce
  me
reduce
  me
to a shell of a girl

love me harder
make me numb to
 the pain
inflicted with every touch of your hand

there is nothing left of
 me
but your handprints on my back and your lips on my neck
traces of encounters that have come to define me
to rob me of my sense of self
slowly melting into how you want me,
when you want me

this is not love but
masochism --
aching for your affection that
becomes my pain

the things people tell me

"you deserve better"
but you don't want better
you want
him.

yet wanting is not
having and
better means loneliness.

try to confront reality
and neither of us can
say the words -- "it's over"
when we know it isn't
yet it has to be.

"the right choice is not always the easy one"
but we could be so simple
seamlessly falling together
heartbeats in rhythm.

yet we don't --
we fight and
we're too different
unclear expectations.

unwilling to admit that maybe
he can't be the right person for me
no matter how much
I wish he was.

"maybe you just need space to figure out what you both want"
but space means time
and time means moving on and
moving on means forgetting.

today I am here but tomorrow
I will start to fade until I
am completely obliterated from all memory.

---------------------------------------------------

the things people tell me to take away
the pain of choosing --
to say goodbye
to close a door that is not ready to close but
probably should
to move on.

in case you're wondering why I'm moving on

I am done apologizing.
For being too loud, too panicked, too passionate, too emotional.
I am a tornado, a fire drill.
I fall fast and love hard.

I am done waiting.
For validation, for acceptance, for love.
I have so much to give and all I want
is to share but
I know my own worth.

I won't tone myself down for you.
I won't keep my opinions to myself, change the way I dress, overthink my every move.
Not anymore.

I am unapologetically me.

I want you to know who I am,
love who I am,
not just accept who I am despite my perceived faults.

My mind is too restless to be content with your complacency
and my heart too impatient to wait until you sense that it beats for you.
I crave your love but wonder if you will ever have love to give and
I have wasted too much time waiting.

I am done waiting for you because
I am already whole.

The Importance of Checking In

So often I find myself asking people the questions "how are you?" and "what's new?" without really expecting any sort of answer beyond "good" or "you know, the usual." With the prevalence of social media, I usually have a pretty clear idea of where my friends are, what they're up to, and so on, but rarely do I ever ask "how are you?" and expect an honest evaluation of that person's feelings. Maybe I  should chalk this up to the fact that I tend to see people only in passing, or we're not in a setting for a truly emotional conversation, but I still wonder if maybe I need to increase my vigilance of "checking in."

In an age where virtually everyone broadcasts daily life via social media, it can be very easy for us to assume that a person is genuinely happy based on their posts. On the other hand, we can also determine when a person is truly unhappy or going through a difficult time. Regardless of the situation, as good friends, we must be diligent in connecting with our friends. A simple "how are you" text with an honest answer could go a long way. Healthy relationships (of any kind !) require open, honest dialogues and lines of communication.

Inspired by a recent training regarding the prevention of abusive relationships I received as a Relationship Peer Educator, I made a specific point at dinner tonight of asking each friend how they were doing and how their relationships with their boyfriends were going. We can tend to get caught up in our day-to-day dramas of who randomly texted us or what ridiculous thing that girl we sit next to in class did, but what resulted from my direct and engaged questioning was a very productive conversation. In reflecting on the conversation, I realized that I did not often have a space to voice my real concerns about relationships. I usually have some complaint about or need to analyze a message from some boy on a daily basis, but I do not often get to express my concerns about my behaviors in past relationships and my struggles with being (constructively) confrontational with friends. It can be very difficult to voice concerns or worries or imperfections in our lives when we constantly work to project a certain image via social media, but working on expressing your real feelings among trusted friends is important for personal and emotional growth.

I cannot stress enough the importance of creating a safe space for a genuine conversation about where you are at -- whether it be physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. To be a good partner or friend, you have to be engaged in the lives of others in a meaningful way, beyond the day-to-day, simply in passing or routinized "how are you." When you care about someone, inquiring about his or her well-being is a simple, but incredibly effective way to stay present in a relationship. Take the time to check in on your friends, and you may be surprised when you open up the space for real dialogue. You never know how much of an impact you may be making by checking in, but you truly could make all the difference to a friend.

the 1 reason why you should thank the person who broke your heart

I've read practically every article on the internet about why you should be thankful for your significant other breaking up with you because I was desperately searching for any scrap of positivity in what seemed like a very bleak existence. I was sixteen and in love for the first time (what I thought would be the only time) and only valued myself because he valued me and was petty, jealous and clingy and couldn't fathom why someone so incredible could ever love me. And then one day he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore and I wasn't sure how to move forward.

I was stripped bare. My identity had been linked to him. I filled his 6'2" void with other boys and played with their feelings and hurt a lot of people. I wrote a collection of vignettes about how he broke my heart and read it in front of an English class full of my peers, some of whom laughed at me sharing my still fresh pain (even though it was nine months later). I dated someone else.
I tried my best to get over him.
It still baffles me that someone could wake up one day and just not want to be with me but it's been two years now. I don't miss him but I miss having someone. I miss catching glances meant only for me and sneaking kisses at stop lights and interlacing fingers.
As much as I may miss those moments, however, I wouldn't trade them for the person that I have become.
In having to redefine myself without him, I found self-confidence, identity, and purpose. Yes, I'm still insecure, and yes, I still tend to base my self-worth off of other people's opinions of me - but it's an improvement. I grew as a feminist and took the time to educate myself on what being a feminist meant and did my best to inform other people. I started ordering food for myself...I'm not kidding, I had a hard time doing that! Senior year of high school requires a lot of decision making and I can't honestly say that proximity to my boyfriend wouldn't have been a main factor in choosing a college. I chose Holy Cross for the right reasons and couldn't be happier. I don't even recognize the person I was two years ago and I think I'm happy about that. I have strength of character and self-realization that I don't think I could have had without having my heart broken.

I think those articles about why you should be thankful for "that person who broke your heart" are missing the biggest point: being alone allows you to confront yourself, do a little soul-searching, figure out who you are. Yes, you will learn that life goes on, you can love again, that you are strong enough to get through it - but if you search enough, you'll find yourself in the rubble that is your broken heart.

[So, if you ever read this...thank you.]

"The Opposite of Loneliness"

I've always had a passion for reading. I love how authors draw you in to a story that becomes your reality for a few hours; I identify with the characters and underline the phrases that speak to me and cry at the end of practically every book, no matter if the subject matter is sad or not. Books have offered me an escape and a promise - there are always new worlds for me to discover and there are characters to greet me with familiarity and tenderness each time I reread a favorite.

I'm not discriminate about what I read, I love anything from mysteries to non-fiction essays - I've even picked up my brother's Magic Tree House books in desperation for something, anything to read. The book shelf in my bedroom consists of one row entirely composed of John Grisham's legal thrillers, mostly purchased for a dollar apiece at the local Goodwill, another of coming of age novels featuring strong female protagonists mixed with anthropological works...an interesting assortment to say the least, a collection of my companions for the past 19 years - Anne of Green Gables, Francie from A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, crime-fighting medical examiner Kay Scarpetta, the inhabitants of Ford County, the girl with the dragon tattoo, Hassan, José Arcadio.

Today I started (and finished) reading, The Opposite of Loneliness: Essays and Stories by Marina Keegan. Her writing is so poignant, clear, and witty even. At the age of 22, she writes in a way very accessible to a 19 year old college student like myself. I am in awe of Marina Keegan's talent, but felt a keen sadness while reading the book. The friend who recommended this book to me, as well as the foreword, informed me that Keegan actually passed away a few days after her graduation from Yale University. Every essay and story was therefore tinted by this knowledge. The title essay was written regarding her impending graduation from Yale University, and about what she feels being at Yale -- the opposite of loneliness. In this essay, she writes, "We're so young. We're so young. We're twenty-two years old. We have so much time." I couldn't help but think about how her time was cut short.
One of my favorite pieces in the book was actually just an excerpt from a poem of hers, "Nuclear Spring."

So what I'm trying to say is that you should text me back.
Because there's a precedent. Because there's an urgency.
Because there's a bedtime.
Because when the world ends I might not have my phone
     charged and
If you don't respond soon,
I won't know if you'd wanna leave your shadow next to mine.

I could read that over and over and it would resonate with my every time. Almost ironically, her time was so unexpectedly short, and apparently she understood that with life, with everything really, there is this urgency and uncertainty and things change in a split second. Please believe me, I know how cliché this is shaping up to be, but there is a certain factuality to it, is there not? What if that boy never knows how much I really cared because I didn't want to seem too interested and I waited too long to show him and now it's too late? What if I go to bed angry with my family and someone doesn't wake up? There's an urgency. There's a precedent. There's a bedtime.


In the notes section of the book, Anne Fadiman (a professor and friend who helped put together Marina's work for publication) prompts the readers to think about what the opposite of loneliness is for them. I was particularly struck by this essay, and I think for me reading is the ultimate opposite of loneliness. When I am immersed in a book, I feel exactly what Marina Keegan was trying to define - it's knowing that for a few hours I get to be a part of whatever I'm reading, safely woven into the text on the pages of a (usually worn) paperback. The characters and the beauty of the way the author can string together seemingly disparate words from the English language to tell a story so well allows me to feel connected to something greater than myself; I feel the opposite of loneliness.